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Why do whigs act the way they do?

    This is a question I'm asked quite often.  Why do Whigs love Zach Taylor?  Why is Andrew Jackson the incarnation of Satan on Earth?  Well, this page is to explain some of the deep seeded feelings the Whigs have against or for people.

Click here for a Graphical Representation of the people Whigs despise most.

King Andrew the First, In Veto Memory

President Andrew Jackson (AKA King Andrew the First (in veto memory), AKA The Devil, Satan, Mephistophele, Bealzibub)

Why Whigs HATE Andrew Jackson:

  • The Spoils System
  • He beat Henry Clay
  • Wildcat banks
  • The BUS #2
  • The Trail of Tears
  • Marty was the troll on the back of his horse
  • He fought a battle after the war was over

Well, there's the list.  Here's some explanation.  When ol' Andy Jackson first ran for office in 1824, he lost, though he gained the most of the public's votes.  However, some obscure constitutional law (since killed by an amendment) said that in this election, the Senate would decide the next president.  Andy Jackson beat out Henry Clay, a staunch Whig and arguably the best statesman before Kissinger, in that election.  When he ran again in 1828, he won with a majority of the Electorate and the popular vote.  Any of you who have seen the popular 9mm film about Andy's first days in the White House when I say that his first few days in the White House were... tumultuous.  This was not the Fates dealing him a bad hand.  He threw parties for hicks in the White House.  Drunken, uneducated, unwashed, inbred, ignorant, jug-bearing hicks were welcomed into the White House with open arms.  Some of these drunkards would be cabinet members.  This is a mere example of the spoils system.  If he liked you, he would find you a job, no matter its qualifications, or yours.  He killed the idea of a respectable presidency but good.
Second, he beat Henry Clay in the election of 1828.  This is sacrilidge!  He should be scorned for that if nothing else.
Under the Jacksonian system, such that it was, many people got into real estate speculation.  Many so-called "wildcat" banks sprang out of the dust of the territories selling property.  They took your money and then suddenly went bankrupt.  Jackson eventually put a stop to this, but I won't een mention the credit mobiler scandal!
The Second Bank of the United States was not such a bad thing.  It was villified because its leaders were corrupt, but that was no reason the condemn it altogether.  Anyway, the Bank's charter came up for renewal in 1830, and who let it slip away quietly, but Andy.
This is the one thing that makes me think that Andy Jackson was possessed by Satan's minions of darkness.  In 1831, he forcibly moved the Cherokee, the most civilized of the Indian tribes, to Oklahoma.  I can't even begin to go into detail, but the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Marshall (the best Chief Justice ever, by far) decided that Jackson couldn't order them moved.  In a fit of unconsitutionality, Jackson said "Justice Marshall has made his decision, now let him enforce it."  With these words, 1/3 of the Cherokee Nation died on Nunna Dual Tsunyi: The Trail Where We Cried.  This act of treason and subversion was grounds for Jackson's dismissal, but nothing came of it.  He lived on as a hero.  We all know he is a bastard and was unfit to be President.
Some of you may have seen the political cartoon portraying Andy Jackson riding a horse, chasing Henry Clay and his horse, seen tripping over a rock (The American System Clay proposed), with some sort of troll riding on the flanks of Jackson's horse.  Upon closer inspection, we see that the troll is in actuality: Van Van, the used up man!  Little Marty, the Little magician, the Wizard of Albany, was really a troll at the beck and call of Andy Jackson.
Finally, back in 1814, when the war of 1812 was coming to a close, Andrew Jackson went to New Orleans.  As the war was declared over by treaty, Jackson fought the Battle of New Orleans 2 weeks after the treaty was signed.  He fought a battle after the war was over.  What next?

Van Van is a used up man!

Now, on to Van Van, the Used Up Man, Marty van Buren

  • He is a troll
  • He DARED to run against Zach Taylor
  • He is the Anti-Whig
As seen in the Jacksonian section, Marty is a troll.  He is a troglodyte, a throwback.  He is the "Little Magician" "Wizard of Albany" "The Dapper" Van Buren.  Whigs charged that when he ran for office again (after being defeated on the Democratic ticket) as a Free Soiler, "Van Van is a used up man."  This was very true, indeed.  He sucked as a president.
In 1848, he had the gaul to run against the most popular man in the country, General Zachary Taylor.  Van lost by a longshot.  Serves him right, if you ask me.
Finally, by running against Zach Taylor and by being in all ways against the precepts of Whigdom in general, Van is declared one of the true Anti-Whigs.

The Young Hickory of the Granite Hills!

Frank Pierce
  • Who is Frank Pierce?  The Young Hickory of the Granite Hills!
  • He beat General Winfield Scott in '52
When he ran for office in 1852, he was a no-name.  Democrats nominated him as their candidate.  Nobody knew him.  Everybody knew Ol' Fuss 'n' Feathers, General Winfield Scott!  He was one of the heroes of the Mexican-American War!  What a person to follow in the footsteps of Zach Taylor and Millard Fillmore but a fellow Whig who was also a war hero!  Well, the dark horse no name Democrat won, sending the final nail in the Whig coffin.   Scott was the last Whig ever to receive more than 1% of the popular vote.   Sad, but true.

Tyler too

John Tyler: The Worst President Ever

  • He was a turncoat
  • He started off as the Whig VP and ended up as a Democrat Prez
Though in his 2-year term as president, he didn't do much that is noteworthy today, but there is one thing that many history books mention.  He ran on the "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" platform, with Whig war hero William Henry Harrison, the hero of the Battle of Tippecanoe.  Both were Whigs at the time.  However, when WHH became the first president to die in office, Tyler took over.  Suddenly, he turned his backs on the Whigs, the party that got him elected in the first place.  He turned into a Democrat and thus he is remembered as the turncoat Whig.  Let noone speak his name without spitting first.  May whatever God you believe in have mercy on his soul.

A Brief Note on Mark Hanna and His President, William McKinley

"I would rather be president than be right!"  With these immortal words, Henry Clay stopped his bid for election in 1832.  However, 70 years later, somebody would spit on his grave by using a bastardization of those words to their own devious needs.  William McKinley was not a president.  Sure, he was elected and sworn in and got a paycheck and everything, but the real power lay in Mark Hanna.  He has McKinley under his thumb the whole time he was in office.  Sometime during McKinley's term, Hanna uttered these seditious words: "Than man Clay was an ass.  I'd rather be president than be right."  I'd rather be president than be right.  For that, Whigs everywhere hate him.

For an interesting graphical representation of the Whigs' favorite people, click here.

The Embodiment of Whiggism

Henry Clay
  • The American System
  • Anti-Jacksonian
  • He formed the Whig Party
  • He was a great statesman
I can't remember much about the American System specifically, but I do remember it was good.  I remember only that it was a massive internal improvements bill that would have made roads, canals, etc.  A shame it got killed by Andy.
He ran against the strong candidate, Andrew Jackson, in 1828.  That's reason enough to love him.
When he and John C. Calhoun (who commanded the sun to stand still, indicentally) joined forces in 1833 (effectively founding the American Whig Party, he immortalized himself.  The Whig's agenda was simple: kill the Jacksonian system, be silent on the annexation of California and about slavery, and legislate morality.  These simple precepts made the foundation for the only successful third party in American history.
Henry Clay was a great man.  He founded the Whigs, ran against Andy, came up with the American System, and was the Speaker of the House for many years.  He was an accomplished statesman during his tenure as a representative, and indeed beyond.  He was the epitome of a Washington insider.  I would go so far to say that he and Henry Kissinger were the best statesmen ever.  Clay was the best at internal affairs, Kissinger the best at foreign affairs.

The Hero of Tippecanoe

William Henry Harrison
  • He was the Hero of the Battle of Tippecanoe
  • He lived and died a Whig
  • He had a major fault: "Tyler too"

Both of the 'real' Whig presidents were war heroes.  Taylor was one of the 2 generals (both Whigs, incidentally) who came out of the Mexican-American War as heroes, and William Henry Harrison (grandfather to President Benjamin Harrison) was the hero of the Battle of Tippecanoe.  He was the governor of Illinois, I believe, and during his reign, he fought the Indians.  One such battle was near the small Indian villiage of Tippecanoe.  After routing the Indians, he went on to the presidential trail with the slogan "Tippecanoe and Tyler too."
Both of the 'real' Whig presidents died in office.  Taylor died 2 years into his term, and poor old Harrison died a mere 6 months into his.  This war hero turned president was a Whig to the end.  His last days were spent in the embrace of Whigs everywhere.  What a noble death.
The one downside of Harrison's presidency was his choice of runningmates.  He chose John Tyler, a longtime Whig.  However, with Harrison's death, the evil Tyler changed sides and turned into a villanous Democrat.  As you read earlier in the section about Tyler, this evil satanic person was the worst president, hands down, because he got elected on the Whig ticket, with a Whiggish war hero president, who died, so Tyler siezed the opportunity and made himself a Democrat.  He's evil, and he's the single bad point of Harrison's presidency.

Ol' Fuss 'n' Feathers

General Winfield "Ol' Fuss 'n' Feathers" Scott

  • He's a war hero Whig (the best kind)
  • He's MacArthur 100 years earlier
  • He's a good Whig who wanted to be president very very very badly
There is only one kind of Whig:  a war hero.  Anybody else is a conscience Whig or a Democrat.  General Winfield Scott (for whom Scottsdale, AZ, is named) was the man who led the American forces into the Halls of Montezuma (figuratively speaking) and Mexico City.  With Taylor in the North and Scott in the South, the Mexican-American War was won.  Scott and Taylor returned as heroes and one became president in 1848.  Scott, however, ran in 1852 against the little-known Democrat by the name of Frank Pierce.  "Who is Frank Pierce?" critics said, to which the reply was "The Young Hickory of the Granite Hills!"  First off, the way to sway Whigs is not to compare him to Old Hickory, AKA Jackson.  Second, he's a dark horse.  He had no chance of winning, right?  Well, Ol' Fuss 'n' Feathers, who preferred pomp to anything else, lost with a mere 1.6% of the popular vote to Frank Pierce.  This devastating loss spelled the end for the American Whig Party.  No other Whig candidate since has received more than 1% of the popular vote.  That's a shame, especially because this great war hero who wanted to be president so very badly will forever be remembered as the Whig candidate who killed the Whig party.
MacArthur (before he was sacked by Harry S.) was a war hero par excelance.  He won the battles in the Pacific Theatre (though don't get me stared on his Phillipines campaign), and then executed the brilliant landing at Inchon in Korea.  Ike aside, he was the most popular general of the postwar period.  Scott (before he lost the Pierce in '52) was a war hero par excelance.  He struck the decisive blow in the Mexican-American War by taking Mexico City.  Taylor aside, he was the most popular general of the 1840's.
The other similarity between Scott and Little Mac was that both wanted desperately to be president.  While MacArthur shot himself in the foot, politically speaking, by being fired by Truman, Scott kept his nose clean and was at least able to be nominated.  He lost by a landslide, though, and the rest is history.

Millard Fillmore

Millard Fillmore
  • He's the running mate of Zachary Taylor
  • His concillatory policied delayed the Civil War
Millard Fillmore is the least well-known of the major Whigs.  He is often confused for being a Democrat.  No, that title is reserved for John Tyler.  Millard Fillmore spent 1848-1850 as the Vice President of Zachary Taylor.  This alone says a lot.  However, when Taylor died on July 9, 1850, Fillmore became the second Whig to be thrust into the presidency.  However, a mere several days after Taylor's death, his entire cabinet resigned.  Fillmore immediately appointed longtime Whig Daniel Webster to be the Secretary of State, thus proclaiming his support of the moderate Whigs in favor of the Compromise of 1850.  His support for the Compromise and his refusal to sign the Fugitive Slave Act infuriated northern Whigs, who saw to it that Fillmore didn't receive the party nomination in 1852.  After the Whig party's disintegration in the 1850's, Fillmore joined the Know-Nothing Party, opposed Lincoln's ideals about the Reconstruction, and supported President Johnson.  Though in his prime, he was revered by all, it seems evident that the death of Zachary Taylor affected his mind in many ways.  Why else would a Whig die a Know-Nothing?


The Hero of Buena Vista, Ol Rough 'n' Ready, President Zachary Taylor

  • The epitome of Whiggism
  • He delayed the Civil War
  • He was a war hero (surprise surprise)
What can one say about General Zachary Taylor?  He was a man of the people.  In as much as Scott was MacArthur, Taylor was Eisenhauer.  Ike and Taylor were simple men, war hero generals, and immensly popular after their respective wars.  Ike hopped in the proverbial helicopter and flew above the political fray of the early 50's.  Taylor, and indeed the Whigs, were mum on many touchy subjects.  Taylor was a man whose life ambitions never included being president.  In fact, he didn't even know he was nominated by the Whigs as their presidential candidate until 3 weeks after the nominating convention.  He accepted, thankfully.  He ran against Lewis Cass, who was in favor of popular sovereignity (letting the people of the respective states decide if slavery was legal there).  Taylor owned slaves himself, so Taylor got the Southern votes.  He treated his slaves well, and was silent on the issue of slavery (and so was an abolitionist by default), so he got the northern vote.  His candidates were Lewis Cass, who was in favor of "Squatter Sovereignity," and Van Van the Used Up Man, so he managed to win the election of 1848.
Once in office, he used his political clout to keep the Southerners and Northerners at bay.  His (and Millard Fillmore's) expert politics help delay the civil war by a dozen years.  The North was not prepared for a war in 1850.  The infrastructure would take another decade to be finished.  By delaying the Civil War, Taylor and Fillmore probably made the North win.
While James K Polk was a military incompetant, Taylor still managed to win in Mexico.  Taylor was sent to Monterrey and then to modern-day San Diego, where he won a decisive victory at Buena Vista.  With that, Scott was able to march into Mexico City and end the war.  Without the Battle of Buena Vista, the road to Mexico City would have been much more difficult.  On that note, I raise my glass to General Zachary Taylor, the best president this country has ever seen.